Posting Quickly
I am still just so...different. Erratic? I do not feel sad anymore, but when I say " anymore " , I mean yesterday, just one day.The things I have been saying, that I have thought at the time have been okay to say, my lord. Now it is to Chris ' s family members, and I have never ever meddled in their affairs. I even said something to their mother, but we were sharing, a really good, deep conversation on text and I felt comfortable with her. I did make a comment about a topic that is extremely sensitive to her.I think I can make it brief. Their brother is somewhat estranged, but he does see his ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 22, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Posting Quickly
I am still just so...different. Erratic? I do not feel sad anymore, but when I say " anymore " , I mean yesterday, just one day.The things I have been saying, that I have thought at the time have been okay to say, my lord. Now it is to Mark ' s family members, and I have never ever meddled in their affairs. I even said something to their mother, but we were sharing, a really good, deep conversation on text and I felt comfortable with her. I did make a comment about a topic that is extremely sensitive to her.I think I can make it brief. Their brother is somewhat estranged, but he does see his p...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 22, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Glass Full
I feel so different right now, and it takes energy to try to explain to my husband when I act differently, when he acts strangely because of how I act. The thing is, I really don ' t care what he thinks. More later if I remember.I feel...like my glass is full, but not like in the half full/half empty way. Like I cannot take on any more, not even empathy for another person. Actually, my life would be less painful in general if I could give up a just a bit of empathy. I would gladly bestow it upon my husband.I have no tolerance for unnecessary negativity. I read the news daily, at a time of my c...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 20, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Glass Full
I feel so different right now, and it takes energy to try to explain to my husband when I act differently, when he acts strangely because of how I act. The thing is, I really don ' t care what he thinks. More later if I remember.I feel...like my glass is full, but not like in the half full/half empty way. Like I cannot take on any more, not even empathy for another person. Actually, my life would be less painful in general if I could give up a just a bit of empathy. I would gladly bestow it upon my husband.I have no tolerance for unnecessary negativity. I read the news daily, at a time of my c...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 20, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Mailbox Talk - Deflection
I had a bad day yesterday. I did a several things that I am technically not " supposed to do " . They are simple enough things, but things that either I know or have been told throw me off.I have thrown myself into Christmas decorating this year. I made a list of about 20 things I wanted to get done in my planner. I have been told not to do that with my business - it adds overwhelming stress that I can not deal with. Why in the world I thought it would be okay for my personal life I had no idea.I did get my listings back on the online ecommerce site where I have my shop and sold a wreath, but this ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 20, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
One Week
I have good moments, and then suddenly out of nowhere, a not so good moment. It isn ' t really " out of nowhere " , there is always a trigger of some sort, but the trigger effects me out of nowhere.Like right now. I got up this morning, ready to get to work on anything, everything, feeling good. I picked a random Christmas station to listen to and a song I have listened to a thousand times - Hallelujah - just brought tears to my eyes. I am sad now. Why?I normally do not, actually ever really, reach out to my relatives. But I am now. Maybe I appreciate them now. Or more. I want t...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 18, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Better - This Morning.
I am actually surprised how many people I have that truly do care about me when something bad does happen. I did not tell many people about my mother, really just the people I felt was necessary, but the kind words and concern was and is so nice and kind, and absolutely was not necessary for anyone to do. No one was required to tell others or contact me directly to say they were sorry, that they cared, make sure I was okay, asked if there was anything they could do.It makes reasons I ' ve had issues with anyone seem so petty. Sure, some issues are bigger than others, and there are still things that are not i...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 12, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Let It Be
I don ' t, but it feels like I have the flu or some sort of physical ailment. I have spent the weekend in my warm two piece pajamas while snow has been falling outside. Smally, cuddly Bailey has been following me around everywhere I go, I am not sure if he always does this. I do not think the the degree he is now, and I certainly do not WANT him to at the degree he is now. I want him by me all of the time, and he is obliging without my saying a word.Mark is being such a sweetheart. Really, I could not ask for more supportive people in my life right now. His family, my family that I am connecte...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 12, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Mom - December 9, 2016
I have not quite processed this yet, not really sure how to. There have been tears, confusion, a lot of moments I have caught myself staring into the distance.Mark and I were on the way to counseling and I checked Facebook, just out of habit when I am bored. I had a message from my mother ' s husband. I read it, and reread it. I said " Oh. My. God. " out loud, which Mark wanted to know right away what was wrong, but I was unable to say the words right away.Finally I told him what the message said. My mother passed away unexpectedly in her sleep. He left his number, and I do understand why he s...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 10, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Yucky Post - Yuck
Thinking about all of this old family stuff before Christmas is too much - bad timing when it is alongside old Christmas memories already, you know?I always wonder - who is the problem, my mother must be the problem, and yes, she does have issues. But can ' t I be the problem too? Yet...there are people who do not have all the information, all they know is what she has told them, and I am learning to just go with that, I cannot change that. I am not always in the right either. No one can be perfect - she or I. But it does not even matter that I am the freaking child in this relationship. And e...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 6, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Uncle Charlie
I still cannot believe it. I lost contact to my Uncle Charlie, my mother ' s brother, decades ago. The last time I saw and spoke to him was probably when I was 16. Was it at my grandmother ' s funeral? I adored him so much and missed him dearly. I tried my best to search for him, which I consider myself to be quite good at, but to no avail.My mother has a facebook account and yesterday I just happened to look at it, and I could not believe what I saw - his name in her friends list!My heart dropped a little though. Who knows what she has told him about me? If anything, it couldn ' t be goo...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 6, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Runaway Train
I wish I knew how the on/off trigger worked in my mind, where I can be completely fine one moment, and suddenly a feeling of...despair? washes over me in less than a minute and completely and absolutely changes my outlook. Why? How? It can ' t be normal, right? If it were, people would talk about it, there would be a name for it. People would be on the phone and say - oh, " nameofphenomenon " just hit me, feeling really bad, talk to you later. " RIGHT? There would be a slang term for it in urbandictionary.I have been working so, so, so hard this week, trying to finish the last of my wreath ord...
Source: bipolar.and.me - December 2, 2016 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
