I'm Not 20 Anymore!
We went to this REALLY gorgeous place last Friday night to see a concert. It was Mark and I with two other couples and we sat on the lawn, drinking wine, beer, there was cheese, not sure what else. I hadn't had dinner and didn't bring food, just 3 bottles of wine and beer for everyone, but they had all thought to bring their own alcohol as well which is very important in this story.I was having a LOT of fun, and I believe they were too. I have done things with these people before, they are not strangers, and as I was drinking wine, my inhibitions started going down. Mark said I didn't say any...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 22, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Not 25 mg - 200!!! Oh no!
I'm an idiot. I wrote down the wrong dosage of Lamictal and gave it to my new psychiatrist, but hopefully she has my chart from my old psychiatrist by now. I am taking 200mg of Lamictal, not 25. So he was always wanting me to take *400* daily, and it was the second 200 I could never remember to take. When I felt a bit manic, I would take an extra 200 in the mornings until I felt better. So now, I have a new prescription coming in the mail eventually for doubling of my Lamictal - to from 25 to 50mg. UGH! It should be to 400!That extra little 0 makes a big difference! I guess m...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 20, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
How Long Was I Messed Up?
Wow, I keep seeing how far back I was "out of it". The Pella contract guy came to measure our doors to make sure that what we had ordered on Saturday was going to be the correct measurements. There was one detail that had been bothering me about what I *thought* I remembered the representative saying and it was something I did not want. We went outside to look at the outside of the back door, and I asked him what color that was going to be. He said white. I told him "No, no, no, no, NO!". Oh my God that would be hideous. I told him what color it needed to be and he agreed - it was ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 19, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Road to Recovery
I think I'm starting to understand why Mark just doesn't, or didn't understand how horrible I felt yesterday with Lamictal withdrawals. Since I was so disconnected from the world and felt completely emotionless, when I talked to him on the phone, I'm sure it sounded like I didn't care about anything, because I didn't. Yes, I did try to describe and explain to him how I felt, but I wouldn't have made it sound like I cared much, because I just didn't feel anything. It was pure mental hell, torture, but I didn't have the ability to express emotion about it, any type of anger, sadness, anxiety, fear, so that ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 18, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Lamictal - What a Hell
I wrote half of this last night, and finished up the other half this morning. So part of it I am feeling better than the first half...I'm slowly improving from my Lamictal withdrawal symptoms. I think my body went through a lot today, it does NOT feel well at ALL. It feels like it went through hell, I feel like I'm getting over the flu or something, I feel pretty awful. I thought it was completely mental, but apparently my mental anguish was so extreme that it overwhelmed whatever was going on with my physical body because my body sure does feel like it went through something rough.I'm just now noti...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 18, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Lamictal Withdrawal Take 4 -Slight Improvement
It was just a few moments ago, but I looked up for a moment and realized I was able to focus. The Lamictal I took when it arrived must be kicking in. Don't get me wrong, I'm still very....ill? Disconnected? I'm still verbally saying every word as I type it to focus on what I'm writing, but just to be able to actually see and not have the world be blurry is a step in the right direction. But a conversation with a stranger would not be a good idea, my normal level of caring is not back, but it's hard to judge, when you've been so far from normal, what was normal like?I called to tell my husband ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 17, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
No Lamictal - Day 3 - Take 3, Hurt
Still Day 3, Lamictal Withdrawals just a mere few hours from my last post . I would now prefer the Adderall withdrawal days. With that, I just felt sheer bodily exhaustion. This is worse. So very, very hard to explain. I will attempt, do my very best to finish this entry. I wanted to describe how I feel, yet...I keep rubbing my face with my hands, trying to focus, get concentration, think what I need and want to say, I'm actually having to say the words verbally as I type them. I'm pulling at my hair. Tugging at my face, anything to stimulate myself, maybe prove my existence?...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 17, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Lamictal Withdrawal - Day 3, Part 2
WOW, even just since my last post, I've deteriorated quite a bit. I'm starting to get it, just the tiny bits of what I read people going through this wrote, how it was described as a kind of withdrawal from hell, just from a hell I've never known. The world is becoming blurry, physically blurry, like I'm not able to focus on it, I'm not a part of it. Lamictal withdrawal is so, so strange. I'm trying to very hard to PRETEND I care, to be a part of just...being here. The world almost doesn't exist. I'll suddenly realize I have both palms of my hands on the temples of my head...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 17, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Lamictal Withdrawal - But I Couldn't Care Less.
A major flaw of mine is that I am a huge procrastinator. Of course it's not something I like about myself, but I used to be so much worse, or maybe I just think that because Mark has taken over most of what I used to procrastinate the most about or has created strict schedules on tasks that are the worst for me, like laundry which I do not allow him to do. He does not believe that separating colors is necessary, or maybe he only says that so he doesn't have to do laundry.I knew I was running out of Lamictal at least two weeks ago as I get a 90 day supply at a time and can re-order a month in advance since my in...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 17, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
First Therapist Appointment!
I had a total melt down and freak out before my counseling appointment yesterday over nothing. I actually had to take a klonipin just to get myself THERE without totally breaking down! I was almost in hysterics, crying and crying. What in the world is wrong with me? What was I so scared of? Of course I know the answer to that, but no one can force me to do or say anything I don't want to.The therapist was very nice, and she held my psychiatrist in such high regard - so much so that she was even surprised I was able to just call and get an appointment to see her. Yes, my psychiatrist was ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 13, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Why Am I Scared?
Today is my first counseling appointment with the new therapist, and I am really anxious, dreading it, I could cry about it. I've come to realize that I spend a lot of time and energy pushing people away and the idea of just talking to someone and letting them in again and how it will make me feel afterwards, about myself, how I will perceive they then feel about me, how vulnerable I will feel, how much I will hate myself for it - I'm just not looking forward to it. I told my husband last night that he is the only person I've stopped pushing away, and he said I was wrong, I try to push him away all the time but...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 12, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Kicking Off The Dirt!
I made an appointment with the therapist that my psychiatrist recommended today, set for Wednesday. We'll see how this goes. Not looking forward to it AT ALL. I've been through this. I know I will leave feeling I've divulged too much, I said things I shouldn't have said, things other people shouldn't know, I will feel guilt and remorse, that the therapist is judging me and now doesn't like me. I will have to talk about things I do not want to think about, she will make comments that will catch me off guard and you know? Why do people do this? Why? It's torture.I've been thinki...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 7, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
New Psychiatrist!
So far in my new doctor search, I have struck gold since I've moved! My appointment with my new psychiatrist couldn't have possibly gone any better, I don't think I could have liked her any more than I do. When I walked into her office - she had a little dog, JUST like mine, but maybe twice the size, which is still small, since Bailey weighs 6 pounds. I guess it's a therapy dog? It was a great conversation starter anyway, but she put him away which made me sad but probably very wise. I would have talked and gushed and played with the dog all hour which may have been why she put him in his crat...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 6, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Appointment Tomorrow...
Tomorrow is my first appointment with a new psychiatrist since I left my old one in Texas of 12 years. I keep going over and over in my head what I am going to say, but really, I have no idea what I will be asked. I am just going to answer any and all questions as honestly as I possibly can, but I don't really trust doctors. I found a good family doctor here, as well as a good GYN, and I did some research to find a good psychiatrist, but you never know. I wish I could have whatever she is going to ask me beforehand so I would have time to think about the answers. Not being "interviewed" o...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 3, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Don't Go In The Basement!
I have a new problem, it's a very strange problem and I'm not quite sure how to fix it. In Texas, we didn't have basements, and I moved when I was around 18 or 19, so I didn't realize this was an issue. Now that we just moved to Illinois and we have a basement, and although we've lived in our house since the beginning of February, I just now realized I may need help.I've been in our unfinished basement several times, always during the day. I don't like it all, but there are big windows with natural sunlight and I turn on the lights as well, I do what I need to do and get out as quickly...
Source: bipolar.and.me - May 30, 2013 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
