Why Am I Scared?

Today is my first counseling appointment with the new therapist, and I am really anxious, dreading it, I could cry about it.  I've come to realize that I spend a lot of time and energy pushing people away and the idea of just talking to someone and letting them in again and how it will make me feel afterwards, about myself, how I will perceive they then feel about me, how vulnerable I will feel, how much I will hate myself for it - I'm just not looking forward to it.  I told my husband last night that he is the only person I've stopped pushing away, and he said I was wrong, I try to push him away all the time but he is very stubborn and won't go away.  I asked him how I did that, and he reminded me of the ways I often do that.  I do say things like I'm not good for him or things like that and he would be better off without me, or we don't share common future goals and maybe we would be better off not together, I just never thought about it.  It's just like this feeling comes over me, maybe I want to reject him before he rejects me, get away from him before he hurts me.  I even think about my dog often.  I love and adore him so much, he is the most faithful loving dog I have ever had and I love him more than any pet I've ever had, yet I know one day he won't be with me, he will even hurt me - not intentionally of course, he would never do that, but yet, it will hurt maybe unbearably so.  I just don't let people in, yet I've allowed ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs