Drama every where I go, and depression as always
I have no idea what is I wrong with me. Each day now, seems like it is worse in the afternoon, I've been getting pretty low, down, I guess depressed. I want to be cautious with that word because so many times now it doesn't seem like I'm depressed then I'm told that I am. I was doing all of these non-normal things and didn't know why but wanted to change myself, yet depression never entered my mind. So NOW that I think I am getting depressed, with no idea why, I hesitate to use that word.Nothing bad is going on in my life. My husband supports my new small business venture. ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - September 15, 2014 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Slow Down Drama, You Move Too Fast!
I have gotten to where I absolutely hate drama. Of course, in my own life, but it seems like drama is always happening to people I know as well. It isn't their fault, and while I so many times can see the way out of their misery, it is very strange. Obviously we are not all going to see everything the same way, but the answers seem so apparent to their problems to me, yet all they want to do is complain and not do what to me is perhaps the only thing that will help them.God knows this blog is full of me saying "Why this" and "how did that.." with obvious answers, so that is where I have empathy. Jus...
Source: bipolar.and.me - September 9, 2014 Category: Psychiatry Source Type: blogs
Forgiveness Is An Awesome Thing
I know if I look back in my blog, all 6 or 7 years of posts, I was probably, on a very regular basis, complaining that this person had done that to me and I would never forgive another person, etc.I don't really know how or why this happened, but I rarely do that anymore and it has been the most amazing experience. It feels like a ton of weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I always wondered how people were able to forgive someone that had done terrible things to them or how they were able to brush things off. I took everything so very personally and held grudges for years and years.I have no idea ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - August 16, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Trazadone Side Effect and I HATE PRIME THERAPEUTICS
When I was rationing my klonipin because I used it faster than I could reorder, I took double trazadone thinking it would help my anxiety. It seems like it has an anti-anxiety effect on me. But I felt so very nauseous and when I finally got my klonipin and stopped doubling trazadone, the nausea went away. I attributed it to withdrawal from my daily dose of klonipin.Last night, I took Trazadone (my daily dosage is 100mg for sleep) right before I went to bed. I take it to sleep through the night and it usually works but not 100%. I woke up in the middle of the night so I took an...
Source: bipolar.and.me - August 15, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Anxiety
A friend posted an article trying to explain deep depression and why someone would want to take their life. It was an excellent description, but it brought up old painful memories and was hard for me to read. I haven't forgotten how very desperate severe depression has made me feel, but that is a place I rarely let my mind visit because it scares the crap out of me, the idea that I will one day be back there. I've always said that unless someone has been there, seeing suicide as the only way out, so tortured mentally that you absolutely can not take it anymore and the only way you see to to get relief from that crush...
Source: bipolar.and.me - August 13, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Long Time! Robin made me crawl out of the woodwork!
So long since I've posted. I think I have been pushing my down my feelings and not thinking about them. What is the use? So tired of analyzing and comparing yet I know I should do it. I'm just not sure to what extent - how far or little should I take it?I'm sure the depression and bipolar community are overwhelmed with grief about Robin Williams, as am I. He was inspirational to me in a way that my friends don't know and I will venture out and say *perhaps* they could possibly understand, but I the keys to my dark secrets tight to my chestI looked up to Robin because I knew he had bipolar...
Source: bipolar.and.me - August 12, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Finally, stigma rears it's ugly head.
I don't even want to write about this because I've cried enough and just don't want to think about it, push it out of my mind.I had been feeling really awful for several days. One night, I went to bed and got up about 5 times in 3 hours and drank an entire bottled water each time. I would still be thirsty but drinking so much water so quickly gave me a gagging feeling so I would go back to bed still thirsty. Then wake up and do it all over again.Finally around 1:30am I got tired of it and just stayed up. The longer I was up, the more extremely fatigued I felt, and it was extreme. Didn't matter if I drank coffee, took an en...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 25, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
I can remember names now!!!!
I've always had trouble remembering oeople's names! It has been so bad that someone will tell me their name, and within seconds I've already forgotten it.My new bestie taught me this incredible trick that really does work! I did it all day today and still remember everyone's name. There was Marlene at the restaurant, Birnette checked us out at Wal- Mart, Ronnie at Jiffy Lube tried to give me directions but failed and it turned into an awkward conversation with him looking at my wedding finger. Need to be careful, it can come off as flirting . Melissa at the tanning salon, and my next door neighbors, whom I never have known...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 23, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Starting Again.
Just made my blog public again, so sure there aren't many who find this site or read it, but it has given me some clarity as to writing for myself. This was simply to be a type of diary that I could look back and see where I had become depressed/hypomanic and see if there was any triggers or long it could have been going on. I guess it is what many bipolars would call a type of mood marker, although I guess it has turned into so much joy.I'm sure I mentioned it, but I made it public because my husband asked me to. He had applied for CIO job and didn't want it to be found since he is the only person that I...
Source: bipolar.and.me - June 22, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Weight Confusion
Oh my goodness, I am so horrified that I told my therapist about my obsession about my weight. But I didn't tell her everything, and made clear I didn't want to change. What I left out? It could have been the most alarming part, or maybe not, or maybe none of this is even concerning at all and I made an issue out of so something that it is not. Obviously I did not tell her I am taking Phentermine (but legally! Described by a doctor, I think, kind of confused how this whole thing is going down). And of course I did not tell her about my use of laxatives, but I don't use them all the time. I did go to a drug store yesterday ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - April 28, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Insecure
Don't think Mark got the job, mainly on going be what he said. There were 4 people who interviewed and 2 were called back which did not include Mark. I think he got very intimidated, thinking about who these people were and their accomplishments. But his recruiter asked that he not tell Mark other interviews were going on in case something happened with them, so he didn't totally blow it like he thought. I think it was extremely good experience interviewing for a role at this level. Next time, and I am certain there will be one, he'll know extreme anxiety is his biggest enemy. When it comes to anxiety, I really don't have ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - April 23, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Job Prospect Concerns
It's been one day over two weeks since I had my gallbladder removed and either I don't make a follow up appt with the doctor after surgery or like today, called and rescheduled. I don't exactly know why I don't want to go. I feel like I have to wear something with an elastic waistband, so sweats, and have no idea is I would even be able to get anything else to fit around my waist.I'm getting discouraged. It feels like I'm not losing weight even though I am taking Phentermine. I thought I had only lost, best case scenario, 7 pounds when I went to get my monthly refill, but their scale said I had lost 12. From 154 to 142. I ...
Source: bipolar.and.me - April 11, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Surgery Scheduled
It's the morning (3:00 am) of my gallbladder surgery. No food or drink after midnight, but I snuck in a cup of coffee so I wouldn't get a caffeine headache later.What happened to cause the need for surgery was at about 1:00 am Tuesday morning, I got up and had some potato chips and Cheetoes. I don't know why, why am I even a night eater? I went back to bed and woke up around 3 because I was in pain. I thought it would go away eventually, but it didn't. It kept getting worse so around 6:00am I think, it had become about the worst pain I had ever known and was still getting worse. Mar...
Source: bipolar.and.me - March 27, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
Trazadone
Even after only four days of taking Trazadone, I can't help but think that I am in the throes of withdrawal. It seems crazy that I would be after only four days of 150mg, which I think may be a lot just for sleep. It is amazing to me that people function at 300mg for depression. I am sleeping during the day, which actually isn't a bad thing. I was so anxious before that I couldn't take a nap. My body was to tired, yet it was impossible. I would look forward to taking Trazadone as early as possible to escape the tiredness I felt. One time yesterday, I felt full on panic that I am not doin...
Source: bipolar.and.me - March 24, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
What's up
I made my blog private and it's weird yet nice at the same time because I'm only writing for myself.My psychiatrist put me on Trazadone for sleep, and while it definitely improved my sleep, the side effects were awful. My stomach blew up like a ballon and actually hurt. I got a backache yet it wasn't an injury. I could move like normal and did things like touch my toes and swivel from side to side and it didn't hurt any worse at all. So somehow it was the Trazadone. I also had a groggy Trazadone hangover. When I see my doctor, I'll tell her about it, but I'm a pretty hard sell to try something new again.I took Bailey...
Source: bipolar.and.me - March 23, 2014 Category: Mental Illness Source Type: blogs
