Surrogate mother
In a desperate middle-of-the-night battle with a feral tom cat, our Siamese, Pearl, lost all four of her Mother's Day kittens, less than a week old. She wandered around the porch listlessly, calling for them and searching every corner over and over again. Her belly swelled up hard and hot with milk for babies that were gone forever.I had to break the news to the children. No matter how many kittens we have, each litter is precious. They spend hours huddled around the box that is birthing center and nursery, carefully holding kittens days old, whose limbs look oddly human in their flexibility. Little pink paws knead the chi...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 19, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: loss kittens mothering grief God's faithfulness Source Type: blogs
The song that never ends
I've walked away too many times.I try to make myself stay, but I get distracted,and I walk out on You.When I remember again that I need to go home,I walk back in and find the music is still playing.It never stopped.The song of Your love is as constantas the rising and setting of the sun.You have been my rocksince I was small.In these darkest days,I've learned You are also my comfort.I've learned the tender faithfulnessof Your everlasting love.You shower me with notes of grace -favors undeserved -You cover me with mercy -Your plans for me always turn out to bebetter than I deserve.Even though I walk through trouble and trib...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 17, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: what God sees music God's faithfulness personal Psalms God's love Source Type: blogs
Blessings from the little ones
These children, whom I've laid down my life for over the past 10 years, they are blessing me beyond belief. Yesterday, Rosy brought me breakfast in bed, 8-year-old style: butterscotch pudding left over from the night before, coffee, and daisies. This morning she brought me a card, marked "Joy Full" on the envelope. Inside, her creative script full of swirls and hearts, read, "God is wonderfull, like you." She tells me it's what she thought this morning when she read her devotions. I'm not sure how the story of the Tower of Babel led to this thought, but I was blessed by it regardless.You work for years to get your kids out...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 16, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: blessings motherhood count your blessings mothering with PTSD everyday miracles 1000 gifts children ordinary joys Source Type: blogs
I dwell in possibilities
I dwell in Possibility –A fairer House than Prose –More numerous of Windows –Superior – for Doors –Of Chambers as the Cedars –Impregnable of eye –And for an everlasting RoofThe Gambrels of the Sky –Of Visitors – the fairest –For Occupation – This –The spreading wide my narrow HandsTo gather Paradise{Emily Dickinson}Oh, how this poem infuses me with hope.Everywhere I look in creation this spring, I see hope. (Source: Turquoise Gates)
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 15, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: photography hope poetry Source Type: blogs
The grass is always greener
Pearl's new kittens. They remind me how much I don't miss nursing my babies!Have you ever looked on in someone else's life, sighed, and thought to yourself, "It seems so much easier than mine!" Have you then given yourself the grace to truly acknowledge that their life really might be simpler than yours...along with a quick soul-check to make sure you're not envious?Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a difficult experience to live through. For many, it involves being surrounded - at random times of day - with auditory, visual, tactile, and sensory hallucinations. In addition, there is an extraordinary incre...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 13, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: radical acceptance mental illness depression mothering with PTSD hope anxiety validation living your own life Source Type: blogs
Happy day to all the mamas!
Happy Mother's Day to all the mamas out there - especially mine! May God grant you peace of heart and mind today as you celebrate with your families. (Source: Turquoise Gates)
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 12, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: motherhood my mother celebration Source Type: blogs
Growing up is hard to do
She's been asking for short hair ever since I shaved my head in October, 2011. I promised I would cut hers short when she was old enough that people wouldn't mistake her for a boy. All because I remember, too well, the pain of being called a boy throughout high school. I was afraid she would look too grown up. I was afraid of losing control by letting her decide what to do with her hair. I was afraid I'd do a bad job.Softball season has started, and she looks miserable out on the sun-drenched field, and I put aside my fears and get out the shears. Growing up was not fun for me, but this innocent little soul revels in ...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 9, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: aftermath child abuse mothering with PTSD daughter fear trusting God Source Type: blogs
Peace out
I am taking a break from writing to sort things out in real life. Life is painful and periolous and as I try to protect my children, I find the need to focus inward, to close the windows on the world for a while and rest. Thank you for understanding. (Source: Turquoise Gates)
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 6, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: taking a break blogs mothering with PTSD reality writer's block children writing the breaking point Source Type: blogs
Seasons of the soul
We often call it the "winter of our discontent", depression. As I look out at the alien May landscape, I think about the philosophy of this statement. Winter is a time when food is buried, the landscape is foreign, and it is cold and inhabitable outdoors. Do we truly walk through the same when our souls are troubled?The truth is, God has never left me alone in the snow. He offers me a house to live in, even when I am at my darkest moment. He turns the furnace on and warms the floors. There are slippers by the door when I arrive from the cold. A hot pot of soup simmers on the stove. The fireplace is roaring.The only questio...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 3, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: depression Man of Sorrows protection God's extravagance weeping seasons God's provision God's faithfulness home Source Type: blogs
May 2nd, you say?
The irises hold their leaves up rigid against the snow fall, bright spots of Kelly green against the white. Local wineries report that the tender shoots newly blushing with life are now standing dead due to the record-breaking blizzard sweeping the Midwest today. Over a foot will be seen in most Minnesota and Wisconsin areas.The most snow this area has seen on this date was 3 inches back in 1935. What started as light snow and sleet overnight quickly turned to a white-out with visibility around 50 yards by 10 a.m.The trees and plants are buried and bending heavy over the drifts here in the country. The children refuse to l...
Source: Turquoise Gates - May 2, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: photography weathering storms snow Source Type: blogs
