Detangling the lie
As soon as the snake saw his chance, he slithered silently up to Eve. "Does God really love you?" the serpent whispered. "If he does, why won't he let you eat the nice, juicy, delicious fruit? Poor you, perhaps God doesn't want you to be happy." The snake's words hissed into her ears and sunk down deep into her heart, like poison. Does God love me? Eve wondered. Suddenly, she didn't know anymore. "Just trust me," the serpent whispered. "You don't need God. One small taste, that's all, and you'll be happier than you could ever dream..." Eve picked the fruit and ate some. Adam ate some, too. And a terrible lie came into the ...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 24, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: thoughts depression isolation decluttering FaithBaristajam faithjam fear doubt Source Type: blogs
Finding freedom in a demolished house of faith: Guest post at Thorns & Gold
Pain is a lost emotion in the sea of verses quoted about how Christ conquered death and there is no sting any longer.Fear is drowned out and ignored because doesn’t He give us a “spirit of peace” instead?I broke into a million pieces when I was 8 years old, but I had already absorbed these twin “truths” and I knew good Christians don’t break when they suffer. So I sat alone in the golden haze of the forest clearing, staring up through the stars of my tears at the yellow birch leaves. I was pulling myself together. Trying, at 8 years old, to do my duty to bring glory to God through impossible circumstances.To re...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 22, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: depression faith crisis illness Source Type: blogs
Switching strokes
She smiled, but there was sadness in her smile; even now she felt forebodings of the coming pain, the air she breathed was heavy with the storm that was about to burst. (Honoré de Balzac, Le Père Goriot, 1835)The keys of the piano are heavy, and my heart thrills at the tension between unplayed and played notes and all the richness of resonance and volume and cascade the old brown piano holds hidden inside herself. I run fingers through the chords flowing from my memory, chords to a song of lament. Putting music to the emotion calms me, and there is even a smile hedging it's way into the corners of my mouth.The front room...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 21, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: feeling Pain distress tolerance brokenness anxiety fear PTSD DBT digging my heels in depression emotions criticism haven't I done this before? Source Type: blogs
Yearning to walk on water
They've been life rafts through the rapids. Painkillers for the soul. The water-stained King James Version of my childhood floated me out of adolescence. The green one is the first I ever bought with my own money, on a night of desperation that found me in the bowels of the hugest Christian bookstore I'd ever seen one winter night in Minneapolis when I was 21. I felt like a rebel buying a NIV just because the cover spoke to me.Pain is an ocean you can't cross swimming on your own strength. I remember the day in 2010 when I heard Jesus calling from the stormy sea while I huddled in the boat, begging for the hurricane to pas...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 19, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: going under depression loneliness Jesus faith crisis fear anxiety PTSD God's calling panic Source Type: blogs
It's all ancient history: Understanding God's perspective on our redemption
Sometimes life is in the details, when you go digging with your spade for joy through the day's dross. Others, it's in the blur, in the painting of the day, the fogginess of retrospect. There are a million ways to raise your children, and each child and parent is different. I by no means state that my way is THE way. For this family, though, it is. It is right for these children to be home, even though I fail at homeschooling, and housecleaning, and even getting up at the right time of the morning. Precious has been the verse, "Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teache...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 18, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: God created identity Beloved homeschool receiving Grace I am the Beloved God's mercy redemption God's love creation Source Type: blogs
Keeping the critics
Criticism is poison dart whose effects linger long after the words are slung. Some bloggers call their critics "trolls", and disregard them or even unpublish their comments. I'm just not comfortable operating that way, in a rainbow world where I've skewed reality in my favor, keeping only those who agree with me around.Image sourceThat doesn't make criticism any easier to handle, though. I went looking for advice last week as I tried to sort through some criticism, and several wise friends told me to look for the nugget of truth in the muddy mess before cleaning it up. I found it, thought about it all week, and I think it ...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 14, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: forgiveness criticism love acceptance Source Type: blogs
Fixing the pyramid: Marriage Letters
Your back is permanently stooped from bearing burdens. Everything I'm too weak to do, you are strong enough to carry. I marvel at it, your endurance, your love, your perseverance when I'm giving up.I had brushed my teeth, done my hair, and I was looking for socks. I told you I was leaving, going to tend some friendships that desperately need tending. We'd already agreed. But there was this defeat in your voice when you said, "Will you be back for supper?" I looked at the clock. 4:30 p.m. No way. You looked forlorn. I asked you to sit on the blue chair and talk to me, and we sat across from each other in our messy front roo...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 7, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: survival mode husband letters to Aaron getting it wrong surviving marriage letters getting it right thriving priorities Source Type: blogs
The many roads it took to get here
One day long ago I dreamed of being a travel nurse. We were just wed, two nurses, we had adoption paperwork in process and we dreamed of apartments in far away cities; burn and trauma units, children laying in beds under those city lights waiting for our hands, our hearts.I was up in a deer stand in Minnesota when I felt the Spirit's nudge. I prayed for our first child, whoever he or she was, prayed a long list of dreams and hopes and fears. Six weeks later, I stared down at a miraculously positive pregnancy test. It was the second I'd seen this in 3 months, me with the undeveloped eggs and the atrophied Fallopian tubes an...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 5, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: dreams difficulty emotions motherhood calling heartsong God's calling disconnect Source Type: blogs
A Word for 2013
lessadverb1.to a smaller extent, amount, or degree: less exact.adjective4.smaller in size, amount, degree, etc.; not so large, great, or much: less money; less speed.5.lower in consideration, rank, or importance6.fewerI've been whittled down over the years. Less health, less money, less happiness, less hair, less friendship, less community, less flavor and smell to the world. But I find myself on the upswing of the pendulum at the opening of 2013: cancer in remission, hair full and thi...
Source: Turquoise Gates - January 1, 2013 Category: Cancer Tags: word for the year oneword365 decluttering suffering #oneword 2013 to God be the glory less Source Type: blogs
The year of Success
After ending 2011 on a low note on both employment and health fronts, there was one word that particularly inspired me as we rolled into 2012. "Succeed". I was heading into the last lap of my race to a PhD, job-hunting, and praying for better health for our whole family in 2012. And, in many ways, God made that wish - and prayer - a reality.February: I was told I was finally in REMISSION from thyroid cancer on 2-2-2012 (such a nice date, and a Groundhog Day I'd gladly relive!). Through nutritional therapy and medication, my cancer finally truly went into hiding on both scans and lab tests. Although my tumor markers remain ...
Source: Turquoise Gates - December 31, 2012 Category: Cancer Tags: reflection #oneword success to God be the glory succeed God's grace Source Type: blogs
One last look at Christmas 2012
Ending 2012 with a collection of photos from our Christmas celebrations with family - including perhaps the biggest FAIL at a cousin photo since we started the tradition 4 years ago! Enjoy the photos and I'll see you in the NEW YEAR! (Source: Turquoise Gates)
Source: Turquoise Gates - December 31, 2012 Category: Cancer Tags: photography celebration family Christmas Source Type: blogs
2012 Round-Up: Top Posts, Videos and More
Take a little trip around the blog and web today to see what's been popular at Turquoise Gates in 2012. I hope you enjoy reading through some old posts and seeing some of the other content that's been a hit this year. May it all be for the glory of God!Top Blog Posts of 2012:1. Love > Fear (January 11th): coming alive to emotions after 33 years of stoicism2. Under the Saddle (February 23rd): a post on mothering and how cancer transformed me into a better one3. Lament for the Eldest (January 13th): dealing with guilt over mistakes made raising my oldest child4. Please, God, say it's not cancer (June 4th): facing the pote...
Source: Turquoise Gates - December 30, 2012 Category: Cancer Tags: top posts audience year in review Source Type: blogs
