How Shame Shapes Our False Self

As much as we might value being an authentic person, we may find that we’re not always true to ourselves and authentic with others. Instead of being and showing our authentic self, we may have developed a way of being that attempts to look good, please others, and avoid the pain of embarrassment. We may fashion a self that’s not really us. This has often been called our false self. As discussed in my book, The Authentic Heart, I prefer to call our “fabricated self.” Famed psychologist Carl Rogers often urged us to live in manner that he calls “congruent.” This means that what we express is in harmony with what we are feeling inside. If we’re feeling angry or hurting, we acknowledge and honor that; we don’t flash a smile or pretend we’re fine. Being congruent means having the awareness and courage to be emotionally honest and genuine with ourselves, which creates a foundation for being authentic with others.  Authenticity with ourselves and other forms the basis for genuine intimacy with others. We can’t enjoy deep and satisfying connections if we’re not being emotionally honest and authentic. Why is it so difficult to be authentic and congruent in our lives and relationships? What often shapes and distracts us is the difficult and unacknowledged feeling of shame. In my psychotherapy practice over the past 40 years, I’ve educated my clients about shame — exploring how shame and fear are often unconscious drivers of behaviors that disserve the...
Source: World of Psychology - Category: Psychiatry & Psychology Authors: Tags: Communication General Mindfulness Psychology Relationships Self-Esteem Self-Help Authenticity Honesty identity Intimacy Shame Source Type: blogs